


these hands can feel like they're not even mine

by sharoncarters



Category: Morning Glories
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-11
Updated: 2015-10-11
Packaged: 2018-04-25 19:37:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4973497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharoncarters/pseuds/sharoncarters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"What did you see when your eyes were opened?" "Jade..." / In which Ike gets his head out of his ass and realizes that he wants to find Jade just as much as Casey does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	these hands can feel like they're not even mine

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know what this is. i really don't. it's been sitting in my drafts for a while and i'm procrastinating writing a paper so i finally finished it. all i know is that ike's "what?" when casey tells him about jade fucking kills me and he loves her even though he won't admit it and i want them to kiss but they're both too stubborn and just. !!!!!!!!!! my kids

"nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands"

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond - e.e. cummings

* * *

 

It happens like this: Ike has an epiphany. 

Actually, it's more like he throws up a lot (more than that time he'd crashed his dad's funeral completely wasted and subsequently consumed four shots for each insult his mother had thrown at him), and then spends a week or so in denial.

But for Ike, that's as close to an epiphany as it gets. 

 

* * *

 

"Which one is Jade again?" is a good one. He’s pretty proud of himself for coming up with it in the moment, to be honest. Because that’s what he does, isn’t it? Deflects, makes crude jokes, just to cover up the fact that his chest is caving in and he can’t take another breath. 

Because when Casey tells him Jade is missing everything sort of clicks into place. Like, _oh_ , that’s why there’s been a noticeable absence of her constant buzzing in and around him, that’s why he’s been feeling _off_ for a few days. Because she’s gone. He almost lets it show for a second, which makes him sick because he never wants to show anyone anything, _especially_ Casey, with her judgy eyes and her holier than thou attitude. So he covers up his surprised "What?" with a quip, like Jade means nothing to him. Even though she does. Or she will, in the future. 

He just doesn’t know how immediate that future is.

 

* * *

 

And then the fucking library. He’s used to having weird fucking dreams (thanks, dad, really), and even more used to weird shit happening at this goddamn school, but this is some next level crazy that _literally_ makes him sick. It’s one thing to think about what your future self will be like, but a whole different thing when you actually fucking meet him, and he’s the culmination of all of your fears. 

Alone, empty, fucking miserable. Not that much different than he is now, really, but he’s always secretly thought that he’d grow out of it. Apparently not. 

Ike hates that there's this... this _itching_ in his chest, afterwards, and he doesn't know why but he knows that when he finds her it'll go away. 

And he equally hates that he can't stop _thinking_ about it, hates that his stupid fucking future self had to go and tell him about it. (But it's just like him, honestly, to purposefully make himself miserable even years in the future. Completely fucking typical.) 

Because now all he can think about is what he meant, (future him, that is), about only ever loving one person. He knows who that one person is, obviously, because who else has he been able to tolerate for more than five minutes at a time in this godforsaken place? Who else has he been able to have a serious (well, serious for him) conversation with without barfing or leaving or wanting to stab himself? (He actually did want to, but for completely different reasons. Reasons that he will under no conditions admit to himself or out loud.)

It's Jade. It's Jade, and he knows it, that's not what he can't stop thinking about. It's the other half of it that he can't understand. Watching her die more times than he can count? He'd almost lost it when Gribbs had tried to hurt her, he doesn't know how he'll be able to handle it more than once.

He can't stop thinking about the future, what memories they must have, and did he get to kiss her again and what was she like in bed and did she ever say she loved him when she died, or did he just pine like a fucking idiot over and over? 

And he hates that this is what his brain has resorted to, thinking about some meaningless girl (even though she means _everything_ , he protests against his own train of thought), he's pining already and he promised he'd never do that, ever, and he's thinking about the future instead of reaching for a bottle and that's not something he's ever done before. Fuck her. Fuck everything. 

 

* * *

 

The first person he goes to is Georgina. She’s a bitch, but she’s been willing to do things for him before, even if they were at a price. Despite all his fucking around, he’s serious when he says he knows how this place works. They don’t do anything without getting something in return, and at this point, he has nothing to lose. 

(And also, Gribbs isn’t really happy with him at the moment. Ike couldn’t really give a flying fuck what Gribbs thinks, but he doesn’t really want to get another nose bleed, so.)

He tries to pretend like it’s for Casey, even though it’s not. “It’ll help her campaign,” he tells Georgina, not that he thinks she fucking cares about Casey’s campaign at all, but she loves drama and causing it more than anyone else. “And, you know, if you want her to help you out in the future, she’ll be forever grateful. She loves that carrot-top, for reasons I cannot fathom.”  

Daramount doesn’t look convinced. He tries not to visibly seethe. 

"Get out of my office, Ike."

"You sure about that?"

"Don’t make me call Gribbs."

"Alright, alright. Fucks’ sake."

 

* * *

 

He goes to find Hisao, or Jun, or whoever the fuck - Jun in Hisao's body, he doesn't care, all he knows is the guy knows a scary amount about this fucking academy that the rest of them don't.

He knows that he could, probably should, go to Casey, because she’s the only one that really seems to care, except he already turned down her offer and he doesn’t want to crawl back with his tail between his legs like some broken puppy, doesn’t need miss righteous to see that.

Jun says nothing, which is infinitely frustrating. "I have my own problems," he tells Ike, and Ike would like nothing more than to slam his head into the wall until he gives him some fucking answers, because he’s already spoken to two people and that’s more than he can stomach in a month, let alone a single week. 

"Your brother’s dead, get over it. You really have no idea where she could be? Secret passages, some shit like that?"

Jun glares. Ike reaches for his whiskey. 

 

* * *

 

He refuses to ask Hunter. Because Hunter will go to Casey, and Casey will say "I told you so", and Ike will throw up. Again. And he’s sick of throwing up. Plus it’s sushi day and it’s the only decent food they ever get in this place, so he doesn’t want to ruin that. He naps instead, ignoring the gnawing in his chest. 

 

* * *

 

Ike finds himself wondering how many memories he’s missing out on, how many things future him knows that current him doesn’t. Like, what Jade’s hair smells like after a shower, or if she’s a morning person, if they’ve ever slept in the same bed. 

He can’t even answer one of the professor’s questions (he’s never bothered to learn their names, besides Gribbs and Daramount, and come to think of it, he has no idea which class he’s in, either) because he’s too busy thinking about how surprisingly nice it felt when Jade kissed him and if he’s ever going to get to do it again. 

After that he mostly wanders around the school a lot, skipping his boring classes because they’re useless to him, and it’s not like he has anything to offer to discussions anyway. The academy is weirdly peaceful at night, calm and quiet without the students and murderous teachers lurking around. He almost prefers it to the day, except for the fact that there’s no one to make fun of. It’s one of his favorite hobbies. 

Although he finds a lot of abandoned classrooms and other convenient places to hide bodies, because that’s what he’s essentially looking for, a place where some freak had hid Jade, he doesn’t find her. 

It’s frustrating. Almost like he’s being punished for developing feelings. Saying that he hates it is a complete understatement. He despises the fact that he suddenly seems to care so much about her, even though he knows that he probably always has and just hasn’t admitted it to himself. He hates that he can’t fucking _find_ her, because he thought he could do it on his own and he hates failing almost as much as he does relying on other people.  

And most importantly, he hates that someone _took_ her in the first place, because even though he isn’t planning on acting on any of the newfound information he has, he’d still like to _look_ at her. Which is such a creepy, awful thought. 

He likes looking at girls, sure, but she’s never really been one that he’s “looked” at before, in the loaded sense. Like someone he cares about and doesn’t just want to fuck. Like someone he could have a future with. 

He never even thought that he would have a future before, either, and can’t help but feel like it’s her fault. She probably convinces him to stop drinking, or something; helps them get out of the academy and forces him to get his life together. 

Just thinking about it makes his head hurt. He shoves the door of another empty closet closed and goes back to his room. 

 

* * *

 

Another week passes. Ike decides to go to Casey. It goes about as well as he expected. 

"Why did you change your mind?" she asks him suspiciously, like she can’t fathom the fact that he wants to help. To be honest, he can’t really fathom it either, so he doesn’t really know what to tell her. 

"I’ve fucked every hot girl in this school that I could find," he tells her instead, "and I don’t want to have any repeats, because then they’ll get clingy. Thought you’d want to return the favor afterwards."

She opens her mouth to protest, and he rolls his eyes. "I’m fucking joking, Christ. Don’t get your panties in a twist. I’m bored and I have nothing better to do. Happy?"

Now she’s the one rolling her eyes. "Whatever. As long as you don’t fuck it up. She’s my best friend."

"Yeah, yeah, princess. Got any leads?"

He ignores the way his heart (one which he wasn't even really sure he had, to be honest) almost skips a beat when she says "Yes". 

 

* * *

 

Turns out Jun/Hisao is a fucking liar. Not that Ike is surprised. Almost everybody is. He takes great pleasure in knocking his fist against the asshole’s nose and jaw, relishing the crunch underneath his palm and the blood on his knuckles after they find Jade. 

She looks so unbelievably small, tied up in her pink My Chemical Romance t-shirt, eyeliner smudged and runny. He doesn’t want to think about the reasons that he’s here, his visions of the future or the fact that he knows that he might love her or want to love her or the fact that his hands are twitching. Wipes the blood on his t-shirt and crosses his arms over his chest because if he doesn’t he might do something stupid like walk over there and help her up, or wipe her face so that she doesn’t look like a raccoon. 

Although she makes a fairly cute raccoon, if he does say so himself. (Fuck, _fuck_. He hates these moronic thoughts. Is this the reason Hunter acts like a fucking imbecile all the time? Because he loves Casey so much that he can’t form coherent thoughts? Ike doesn’t like it, at all.) 

He watches Casey untie Jade and give her a blanket, wiping her tear-streaked face in the way that he wishes he didn’t want to. Watches her smile weakly, telling the blonde, “I’m okay, honest, I can’t believe you guys found me,” even though she’s literally been tied up for weeks and who knows if anyone’s been feeding her. 

She’s not fucking _fine_. He hates that she’s so goddamn strong, that she’s inspired a heart in him, like it started to bloom overnight and she’s been watering it with her absence. He watches as her eyes flick towards him, hopeful and confused, and he gives her a smile that feels more like a grimace. 

He wishes he could just be _Ike_ , that he could just give her his come hither eyes and be his typical annoying self, pretend like it means nothing that he’s so angry at Jun and relieved that he’s found her. But he just… _can’t_. 

So he follows her and Casey out of the weird dungeon they’re in and prays that she hasn’t noticed this change in him. 

 

* * *

 

But of course she notices. Because she’s Jade and she’s weirdly attuned to him and his patterns of behavior. He tries not to be smug about it. 

"Thank you… I guess," she says one night, tucking her hair behind her ears. It’s been a few days, and her skin is looking more flushed, healthier than when he’d found her. She’s always been skinny, but it had been a new low, seeing her down there tied up and practically a skeleton. 

She’d shown up at his door when she knew that Hunter and Casey were studying, and the other two were at some sports practice or other. (Ike didn’t care for sports. He considered his sex life its own Olympic category, and he was a gold medalist, thank you very much.)

She looks so nervous standing there, shifting her weight between her feet, that he has to let her in. He pushes the door open a little wider, not saying anything, but she gets the message. She sits on his bed, and he stands near the fridge, not trusting herself to be close to her. 

"Did Casey force you to do it?" she asks, and he almost laughs. She was literally held hostage and all she wants to know is if he helped her because he wanted to. He’s the one that should be worried in this situation, not her. 

"No," he simply says, not offering up anything else. She can do with it what she wants to. 

"Oh," is all she says, eyes a little wide as she looks up at him. Again, he’s struck by how tiny she is, curled into herself on his bed. She looks down at her hands. "You’re not going to say anything else?"

"What else do you want me to say?"

"I don’t know. Maybe like, ‘I’m happy you’re okay’? Or ‘Why did they take you’? Anything. Something. Why did you even come?" All of her words come out in a single breath. He wonders if she’s rehearsed them.  

"I’m happy you’re okay." That takes more out of him than he thought it would. It’s like admitting your weakness to your greatest enemy and trusting them not to use it. He doesn’t know what to do with the silence in the room, the way her breaths are puffing in the cold air, the weight of his words, the voice in his head that’s telling him to just _DO SOMETHING_.   

He doesn’t. 

"Oh."

Jade runs her fingers through her hair, a nervous tick. He looks around the room, trying to find something to focus on besides her. She jumps up, startling them both. She spares him one last glance of confusion and… something else, something he can’t name but wants to keep for a long time. 

She doesn’t bother closing the door on her way out. He stands like that for longer than he knows what to do with, staring at the indent she’s left in his mattress. 

**Author's Note:**

> please tell me if you liked it. i don't write morning glories often, mostly because i have no idea how most of the plotlines work and i'm horrible at coming up with theories because it's such a complicated comic, but i tried.


End file.
